We’ve probably all got fond childhood memories of classic Christmas number ones. Maybe you even spent your hard-earned pocket money trying to bump up your favourite band’s sales figures.

But do we all remember these festive hits through the hazy lens of mulled wine-induced nostalgia? Because when we sat down and tried to rank all 61 Christmas number ones since the charts began in 1952 (Bohemian Rhapsody topped it twice), we hadn’t realised how much festive – and totally non-festive – dross awaited us.

Nevertheless here it is. Our rankings are based on four things: how good we thought the song was, whether it’s lingered in the national psyche, its “goodwill to all men” factor, and just how damned Christmassy it was. Where did your favourite come?

61. Can We Fix It?

Bob The Builder (2000)

“Can we dig it? Yes. Can we build it? Yes. Can we fix it? Yes.”

It defies belief, but this kids’ TV tune is actually even more annoying than Mr Blobby. Because, quite frankly Bob, we’d expect you to be able to do all these things – you’re a flippin’ builder!

60. Lily The Pink

The Scaffold (1968)

“Old Ebenezer thought he was Julius Caesar And so they put him in a home.”

Comedy is renowned for dating badly – but we’re really not sure how this was even funny to begin with. Watching the video, we thought nothing could be more awkward… Then we started listening to the lyrics.

59. That’s My Goal

Shayne Ward (2005)

“I’m not here to say I’m sorry, I’m not here to lie to you.”

Perhaps Shayne doesn’t deserve to be this low. But he represents the dawn of the X Factor Christmas number one, and for that reason he has been punished.

58. Long Haired Lover From Liverpool

Jimmy Osmond (1972)

“I’ll be your leprechaun and sit upon an old toad stool.”

We’re told to forgive the follies of youth, but - sorry Jimmy – this song is infectious like smallpox, and just downright creepy.

57. There’s No One Quite Like Grandma

St Winifred’s School Choir (1980)

“She’s there in times of need. Before it’s bedtime, on her knee, to us a book she’ll read.”

Sometimes even watching your own kid in a school choir can be excruciating. So why did St Winifred’s think the entire nation needed to be subjected to this?

56. Mull Of Kintyre

Wings (1977)

“Sweep through the heather like deer in the glen.”

“Mull of Kintyre… Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.” Paul, we expect more.

55. Answer Me

Frankie Lane (1953)

“She loved me yesterday, I believed that love was here to stay.”

The lowest of all the 1950s number ones. There’s absolutely nothing memorable here at all – which is why we assume Frankie never got that answer.

54. What Do You Want To Make Those Eyes At Me For?

Emile Ford & The Checkmates (1959)

“I’ll get you alone some night. And baby you’ll find, you’re messing with dynamite.”

It takes a while, but this tune’s actually quite catchy. It still ranked low though, because it lacked any Christmas sentiment and has some very worrying messages about consent.

53. Mr Blobby

Mr Blobby (1993)

“Although he’s unconventional in hue, his philosophy of life will steer him through.”

You could argue this hit sums up everything that was wrong with ’90s culture. On the other hand, you could equally argue that it’s a visionary synth epic which is brave enough to celebrate the beautiful diversity of mankind.

52. Save Your Love

Renee and Renato (1982)

“Salva l’amore per Roma e per me.”

We think the Italian was a nice touch. Sadly you’ll probably have turned it off before that part of the song.

51. I Love You

Cliff Richard (1960)

“Like those fishes, my heart begins to swim. Because I love you.”

If you can find a love song more nauseatingly generic than this, we’ll send you a year’s supply of Cliff Richard calendars. (So that’d be just one Cliff Richard calendar.)

50. Let’s Have Another Party

Winifred Atwell (1954)

(There are no words – just piano. How do you even write piano sounds?)

Sorry, but a weird medley of ragtime piano covers (only one of which was recognisably Christmassy) was never going to rank highly.

49. I Hear You Knocking

Dave Edmunds (1970)

“You better get back to your use-to-be… ‘Cause your kind of love ain’t good to me.”

Actually a fairly good song. Sadly it’s been almost entirely forgotten by history and has nowt to do with Christmas.

48. Too Much

Spice Girls (1997)

“I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can.”

The lowest Spice Girls entry on the list. Even some self-proclaimed Spice Girls fans on our panel struggled to recall too much of it.

47. It’s Only Make Believe

Conway Twitty (1958)

“My one and only prayer… Is that some day you’ll care”

As any Family Guy fan will tell you, Mr Twitty can (and did) produce much better stuff than this.

46. Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

Benny Hill (1971)

“They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic, But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.”

Over 40 years on, there’s still a lot of warmth for Ernie. But a song about a randy milkman who’s brained to death with a pork pie just wasn’t destined to do well here.

45. When You Believe

Leon Jackson (2007)

“A small but still resilient voice, says hope is very near. Ohhhhh.”

We wonder whether Leon still believes? This could possibly be the worst Yuletide hit to have emerged from Cowell’s sordid song factory.

44. A Moment Like This

Leona Lewis (2006)

“Ohh I can’t believe it’s happening to me.”

We assumed Leona’s Christmas chart-topper had been Bleeding Love or that Snow Patrol cover. Apparently it was this… whatever this is.

43. Skyscraper

Sam Bailey (2013)

“Like I’m made of glass. Like I’m made of paper.”

Yep, it’s the latest offering from the X Factor. And like most of the others, it’s more bland than an over-boiled Brussels sprout.

42. Reet Petite

Jackie Wilson (1986)

“Well, she really fills her clothes from head to toe.”

Amazingly this song was a hit twice (Jackie Wilson actually died a few years before its ’80s revival). Perhaps even more amazingly, we’ve totally forgotten about it twice too.

41. Just Walkin’ In The Rain

Johnnie Ray (1956)

“People come to windows. They always stare at me.”

Devoid of Christmas cheer. Apparently the original was composed in a prison – which is totally believable.

40. Hello, Goodbye

The Beatles (1967)

“I say high, you say low You say why and I say I don’t know, oh no.”

It was hard to know where to slot the Beatles’ four Christmas number ones into this list. On the one hand, their music was miles better than almost anything else in the charts at the time. On the other hand, their trippier later stuff like this has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever.

39. Killing In The Name

Rage Against The Machine (2009)

[CENSORED]

The ranking of this came down to the sentiment behind it. It’s a powerful protest against talent-show dross clogging up our Christmas chart. But it’s also very, very angry. And sweary.

38. When We Collide

Matt Cardle (2010)

“I’ll take a bruise I know you’re worth it. When you hit me, hit me hard.”

One of the more catchy X Factor singles. But that was hardly difficult.

37. Here In My Heart

Al Martino (1952)

“Please be mine and stay here in my heeeeeeaaarrrtttt”

Almost exactly what we imagine when we think of ’50s music. Of course we very rarely think about ’50s music.

36. Goodbye

Spice Girls (1998)

“Look for the rainbow in every storm.”

Not among the Spice Girls’ most famous tracks – but tinged with the sadness of losing Geri.

35. Sound Of The Underground

Girls Aloud (2002)

“Don’t know what it’s pushin’ me higher. It’s the static from the floor below.”

A great party-banger from the early days of TV talent shows. Not very Christmas-appropriate though, since no-one spends Christmas in clubs.

34. Somethin’ Stupid

Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman (2001)

“And if we go some place to dance, I know that there’s a chance you won’t be leaving with me.”

Robbie doing Sinatra had the potential to appeal to both your nan and your little sister, making it great background music for Christmas lunch.

33. Day Tripper

The Beatles (1965)

“She’s a big teaser, she took me half the way there.”

The Fab Four’s second entry in the ranking. Slightly more famous, but still nothing to do with Christmas.

32. Only You

Flying Pickets (1983)

“Bah, da. Bah, da. Bah, da, da, dah.”

We’re just really glad such a lovely a cappella song is in this list at all.

31. 2 Become 1

Spice Girls (1996)

“Be a little bit wiser baby, put it on, put it on.”

The final Spice Girls entry in our list doesn’t even break the top 30. Even though this is their most famous Christmas number one, it’s still hardly a girl-power classic.

30. Return To Sender

Elvis Presley (1962)

“I dropped it in the mailbox… And sent it special D”

We’ve got nothing against the King, but we’re sure there’s got to be a better way of working out whether your girlfriend’s mad at you.

29. Two Little Boys

Rolf Harris (1969)

“One little chap then had a mishap, broke off his horse’s head.”

You’ll probably never hear this song again, for obvious reasons, but we reckoned its sentiment earned it a top 30 place. Just.

28. Always On My Mind

Pet Shop Boys (1987)

“If I made you feel second best, I’m so sorry, I was blind. You were always on my mind.”

We’d stick our necks out and say this is one of the best Elvis covers ever. Which is why it’s overcome its lack of a Christmas theme and made the top 30.

27. I Have A Dream

Westlife (1999)

“I have a dream, a fantasy. To help me through reality.”

The (far superior) Abba original made Christmas number two back in 1979. And if persistence isn’t a Christmas virtue, it damn well should be!

26. The Green, Green Grass Of Home

Tom Jones (1966)

“Down the road I look and there runs Mary, hair of gold and lips like cherries.”

Returning home is something lots of people do at Christmas. Plus Tom Jones has been a force of nature for five decades now and deserves our recognition.

25. When A Child Is Born (Soleado)

Johnny Mathis (1976)

“And all of this happens because the world is waiting. Waiting for one child. Black, white, yellow, no one knows.”

The first properly Christmas song in our list. But it’s hardly a cracker is it? More like a disappointing cracker toy…

24. Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2)

Pink Floyd (1979)

“No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Teachers leave them kids alone.”

Two of our criteria were a song’s longevity and simply how good it was. We reckon this Pink Floyd classic has got both bases fully covered.

23. Don’t You Want Me

The Human League (1981)

“I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around – turned you into someone new.”

Again, any song that almost defines the pop of an entire decade is going to rank highly. And spare a thought for all those cocktail bar waitresses that have to work Christmas…

22. Mad World

Michael Andrews & Gary Jules (2003)

“The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.”

There’s something about this song… We weren’t sure how it beat a very good Christmas song by The Darkness to number one back in 2003, and we’re not sure why it’s so high in our ranking now.

21. I Feel Fine

The Beatles (1964)

“That her baby buys her things, you know. He buys her diamond rings, you know.”

We’ve said it before: how do you even go about slotting the Beatles into a list like this? Perhaps the lines about buying things gave this one a Christmassy edge?

20. Christmas Alphabet

Dickie Valentine (1955)

“S is for the Santa who makes every kid his pet.”

Christmas Alphabet deserves to be in the top 20. And it deserves to be on everyone’s Christmas playlist.

19. Saviour’s Day

Cliff Richard (1990)

“Here’s to the God of the present (Raise your glasses!) Here’s to the God of the past (Drink to the king!)”

Cliff Richard has done such a good job of worming his way into the UK’s Christmas psyche that he’s guaranteed two top 20 slots. This in no way reflects our personal views on Cliff Richard.

18. I Want To Hold Your Hand

The Beatles (1963)

“And when I touch you I feel happy. Inside.”

Holding hands is a lovely, family-friendly sentiment for the festive season. And one of the Beatles’ songs had to make our top 20, right? They’ve been up there four times after all.

17. He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother

The Justice Collective (2012)

“But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him. He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother.”

It’s a good song. It’s for charity. It’s got strong family sentiment. And it kept James Arthur off the top spot. All good reasons for a high ranking.

16. Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Band Aid II (1989)

“Let them know it’s Christmas time again.”

Also known as “the Band Aid we’d rather forget”. Like any Band Aid release though, you can’t fault them on their festive goodwill – even Jason Donovan.

15. Moon River

Danny Williams (1961)

“Waiting round the bend, my Huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me.”

If you want longevity, you could do worse than Moon River. This one may be a cover, but since when has that stopped a song charting at Christmas?

14. Bohemian Rhapsody

Queen (1975, 1991)

“Thunderbolt and lightning, Very, very frightening me.”

It’s got nothing to do with Christmas, but it’s been Christmas number one twice. So in a way, it’s had more to do with Christmas than any song on this list. (Shhhh… Christmas is no time for logic!)

13. Earth Song

Michael Jackson (1995)

“What about elephants? Have we lost their trust?”

MJ’s only Christmas number one may seem really preachy, but hasn’t Prince William just declared his support for elephants too? And he’s got a famous wife.

12. Wherever You Are

Military Wives & Gareth Malone (2011)

“Light up the darkness, my prince of peace.”

There are two choir-led songs in this list. But there’s an almost indescribable gulf between this and “There’s No One Like Grandma”.

11. Mary’s Boy Child

Boney M (1978)

Mary’s boy child Jesus Christ, was born on Christmas Day.”

A Christmas classic, but with a disco twist. What’s not to love?

10. I Will Always Love You

Whitney Houston (1992)

“And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… EeeeIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii EeeeIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love yoooooouuuuuu.”

Of all the songs on this list, Whitney’s ode to elongated vowel sounds was the only one to spend 10 weeks at number one.

9. Stay Another Day

East 17 (1994)

“I touch your face while you are sleeping.”

This is one of those songs that (despite only the faintest whiff of a festive theme) has somehow become a Christmas classic. And back in ’94 it somehow kept Mariah Carey off the top spot.

8. Lonely This Christmas

Mud (1974)

“I just break down as I look around and the only things I see are loneliness and emptyness and an unlit Christmas tree.”

Elvis may not have featured very highly in this list, but the King might have taken some consolation that everyone thinks he sings this one anyway.

7. Mistletoe and Wine

Cliff Richard (1988)

“Dreams of Santa, dreams of snow. Fingers numb, faces aglow.”

Yes, Cliff is in the top 10. Now let’s just move on with our lives.

6. Hallelujah

Alexandra Burke (2008)

“You saw her bathing on the roof. Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya.”

In the spirit of fairness, at least one X Factor entry had to feature quite highly. Plus this one’s got a religious theme so, y’know… Only a complete Scrooge would mention that the Jeff Buckley version is infinitely better. But it is.

5. Mary’s Boy Child

Harry Belafonte (1957)

“Man will live forever more… Because of Christmas Day.”

A true old-time Christmas classic that’s been covered countless times. Well deserving of the number five slot.

4. Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Band Aid 20 (2004)

“Spare a thought this Yuletide for the deprived. If the table was turned would you survive.” (Dizzee Rascal)

As good as the original, but with some added rapping (or should that be “wrapping”? Ho ho ho…)

3. Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Band Aid (1984)

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.”

To answer the title’s question: No, Ethiopia probably don’t know it’s Christmas in the UK, because they’re mostly Orthodox Christians who celebrate it on January 7. Nevertheless this is a genuine Christmas classic and its heart is undeniably in the right place.

2. Merry Christmas Everybody

Slade (1973)

“Do you ride on down the hillside, on a buggy you have made? When you land upon your head and you’ve been ‘Slade’.”

Can you get more Christmassy than this song? Well, perhaps a little – it did only come second after all. But this rousing, bell-laden tune has kept Noddy Holder and the lads in mince pies for more than 40 years now, and is still all over the radio like a Yuletide rash.

1. Merry Christmas Everyone

Shakin’ Stevens (1985)

“Room is swaying, records playing, All the old songs, we love to hear.”

It was close, but ole Shaky triumphed in the end. Has anyone ever captured such a perfect vision of Christmas? Certainly among the songs on this list, we think its sense of Christmas goodwill and toe-tapping catchiness make it a worthy winner. When we hear those sleigh bells start up we know it’s time to crack out the cranberries.